[ that twinges something in his chest. familiar. bitter. the confused look on his face fades, mouth tightening behind his mask, instead. these old memories have been stirred so often this week, that they're on the forefront. ]
...When your existence is driven by the belief of others, and they all move on to someone else instead, you have disappeared.
[ believe it or not, they are actually pretty similar. dreams, huh. ]
[ ugh. it's like lifting rocks trying to say things like this, the weight of his own past so deep and heavy that yin yu has buried it li under the earth. but there's a sense of duty, and... maybe a bit of camaraderie. who knows. maybe this person understands him better than he would have expected. what a strange twist of fate.
he stares at the fire instead of anaido, and speaks somewhat distantly, as if reciting from a textbook. ] There are two types of gods, in my realm. Literature gods are masters of knowledge, and martial gods are masters of cultivational arts, fighting, so on and so forth. To ascend to godhood, a mortal must do something extraordinary, through practice, hard work, or through natural talent. Soldiers, generals, heroes, politicians - such people can cultivate to immortality and walk among the heavenly realm for eternity as heavenly officials.
Mortals pray to the gods for many things. Success, safety, healing, hope... the gods listen to prayers of mortals and attempt to answer them when they are able. [ if they want to. most gods are self-centered, in his experience. ] And the strength of a god is inherently dependent on those believers and those prayers.
[He listens well. Mortals ascending to the level of gods. He squints at Yin Yu for a moment, and wonders...]
So you're a god, Yin Yu?
[Since he said his existence used to be based on other's beliefs - it's a logical conclusion. And if that's so...ah, how exciting. A brilliant detective, and a god. Like something out of a fairy tale.]
[ it was a vastly complicated situation. one that hurts centuries and centuries later. there is so much more to the story than what he says, but, what he says is the essence of it.
quietly: ] Talent always beats hard work.
[ his hand comes to his right wrist, long fingers over the covered skin. ] I am no extraordinary person.
[ the laughter stings a part of him. yin yu isn't prideful - he has nothing to be proud of - but it stirs something old and unhappy, buried deep under the surface.
he doesn't react to it, though, just pushes it down, as he considers his answer. ]
...In some manner of speaking. I was overshadowed by someone who came after me. The followers I did have moved on.
It is as you said: if the people who believe in you cease doing so, you cease to exist.
there was more than that, but yin yu has long slammed the door on that story. he has no intentions of telling it. ]
...So, when you say that you cease to exist if someone stops dreaming of you, I understand. This place and the island have been exceptions, but essentially, I am no one.
[There's a long, long silence, before Anaido perks up, and recites:]
I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
Of course it's strange. I'm not one for existing for long periods of time. My so-called dreams are always quite short.
[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
Yes. I was trying my best to. But Dimitri saved me from drowning. Minako saved me from the cliff. I lost my knife. There were eyes on me almost all of the time. There really was no good way to die. But Zoe was nice enough to take things into her own hands.
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Is it that surprising? Hahaha! I don't think it'll help you if I tell you that I technically don't exist, either!
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anyway. give him a second. ok. he needs a second. ]
...That makes two of us, I suppose. [ gods in heaven. talking to anaido is exhausting. ]
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[It's obvious from him grinning like a fox with a rabbit in its mouth that he is taking way too much amusement in this.]
Is that the kind of existence you have, Yin Yu?
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...When your existence is driven by the belief of others, and they all move on to someone else instead, you have disappeared.
[ believe it or not, they are actually pretty similar. dreams, huh. ]
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[The amused look drops, and he blinks, surprised. He didn't think...Yin Yu?]
So...you have to rely on people to believe in you in order to keep existing as you are?
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[ that time the bitterness comes out in his words. hidden, maybe, by their distance, his hands flex and clench into fists.
when he speaks again, it just sounds tired, as his hands relax, again. ] What do you know about the gods and the heavens?
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[A shake of his his head, but his curiosity is piqued, to say the least.]
Tell me, please.
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he stares at the fire instead of anaido, and speaks somewhat distantly, as if reciting from a textbook. ] There are two types of gods, in my realm. Literature gods are masters of knowledge, and martial gods are masters of cultivational arts, fighting, so on and so forth. To ascend to godhood, a mortal must do something extraordinary, through practice, hard work, or through natural talent. Soldiers, generals, heroes, politicians - such people can cultivate to immortality and walk among the heavenly realm for eternity as heavenly officials.
Mortals pray to the gods for many things. Success, safety, healing, hope... the gods listen to prayers of mortals and attempt to answer them when they are able. [ if they want to. most gods are self-centered, in his experience. ] And the strength of a god is inherently dependent on those believers and those prayers.
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So you're a god, Yin Yu?
[Since he said his existence used to be based on other's beliefs - it's a logical conclusion. And if that's so...ah, how exciting. A brilliant detective, and a god. Like something out of a fairy tale.]
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I was.
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And how did you fall from grace?
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quietly: ] Talent always beats hard work.
[ his hand comes to his right wrist, long fingers over the covered skin. ] I am no extraordinary person.
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Hahaha, but you are, you are, if you became a god! Were you told you weren't good enough to be one?
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he doesn't react to it, though, just pushes it down, as he considers his answer. ]
...In some manner of speaking. I was overshadowed by someone who came after me. The followers I did have moved on.
It is as you said: if the people who believe in you cease doing so, you cease to exist.
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[Even the gods have their problems. His cheerful face sombers into something thoughtful.]
Is that what happened before you found your Master?
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there was more than that, but yin yu has long slammed the door on that story. he has no intentions of telling it. ]
...So, when you say that you cease to exist if someone stops dreaming of you, I understand. This place and the island have been exceptions, but essentially, I am no one.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
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[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
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[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
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how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Do you regret it?
hugs sisi. i love u
[He stares away. His eyes are just...empty, for a moment. So nice and golden, and yet empty all the same.]
Regret what? Dying on the island?
i love U i am so sorry kfldjshk
[ he thinks he already knows the answer. ]
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Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
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