[ ugh. it's like lifting rocks trying to say things like this, the weight of his own past so deep and heavy that yin yu has buried it li under the earth. but there's a sense of duty, and... maybe a bit of camaraderie. who knows. maybe this person understands him better than he would have expected. what a strange twist of fate.
he stares at the fire instead of anaido, and speaks somewhat distantly, as if reciting from a textbook. ] There are two types of gods, in my realm. Literature gods are masters of knowledge, and martial gods are masters of cultivational arts, fighting, so on and so forth. To ascend to godhood, a mortal must do something extraordinary, through practice, hard work, or through natural talent. Soldiers, generals, heroes, politicians - such people can cultivate to immortality and walk among the heavenly realm for eternity as heavenly officials.
Mortals pray to the gods for many things. Success, safety, healing, hope... the gods listen to prayers of mortals and attempt to answer them when they are able. [ if they want to. most gods are self-centered, in his experience. ] And the strength of a god is inherently dependent on those believers and those prayers.
[He listens well. Mortals ascending to the level of gods. He squints at Yin Yu for a moment, and wonders...]
So you're a god, Yin Yu?
[Since he said his existence used to be based on other's beliefs - it's a logical conclusion. And if that's so...ah, how exciting. A brilliant detective, and a god. Like something out of a fairy tale.]
[ it was a vastly complicated situation. one that hurts centuries and centuries later. there is so much more to the story than what he says, but, what he says is the essence of it.
quietly: ] Talent always beats hard work.
[ his hand comes to his right wrist, long fingers over the covered skin. ] I am no extraordinary person.
[ the laughter stings a part of him. yin yu isn't prideful - he has nothing to be proud of - but it stirs something old and unhappy, buried deep under the surface.
he doesn't react to it, though, just pushes it down, as he considers his answer. ]
...In some manner of speaking. I was overshadowed by someone who came after me. The followers I did have moved on.
It is as you said: if the people who believe in you cease doing so, you cease to exist.
there was more than that, but yin yu has long slammed the door on that story. he has no intentions of telling it. ]
...So, when you say that you cease to exist if someone stops dreaming of you, I understand. This place and the island have been exceptions, but essentially, I am no one.
[There's a long, long silence, before Anaido perks up, and recites:]
I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
Of course it's strange. I'm not one for existing for long periods of time. My so-called dreams are always quite short.
[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
Yes. I was trying my best to. But Dimitri saved me from drowning. Minako saved me from the cliff. I lost my knife. There were eyes on me almost all of the time. There really was no good way to die. But Zoe was nice enough to take things into her own hands.
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
I think my life is unique enough not to let regret be a thing that ties me down.
[He perches his chin in his hands, smiling, eyes flitting to the sudden grip on his wrist.]
I'll feel regret, of course. But I already have so many things that cage me, and control me. To sink into my own hell of my own accord because I feel I deserve to for my own actions is as selfish as selfish can be, even though I am already a very selfish man. But that's too much. You aren't actually asking for forgiveness, or anything, in cases like that. Misery is comfortable, and self-punishment is appealing, because in the end, you'll never punish yourself more than you think others will punish you.
i mean. there is a pause, for a moment; he'll probably hear yin yu's breath catch. his hand tightens against the shackle, and yin yu stares at the fire. he's long since known that he was selfish. that he was cruel. ]
You're wrong about one thing. [ ... ] I never once asked anyone for forgiveness.
[ not with quan yizhen. not with wen ning. both times, forgiveness was simply handed to him, as if these people thought that he deserved it. as if he was anything but a cowardly, miserable, weak wretch of a not-person. just a pathetic banished god. no one. ] If young master Wen had wanted to kill me, I would have let him on the spot. He didn't, because he is a good, kind person. If -
[ he stops himself, silencing the self-depreciating rise of bitterness that weaves through him.
go die!
yin yu takes a deep breath. a heart as still as water. ] ...How do you think that I'm punishing myself, Anaido?
[His expression is passive, a light smile on his face, a Mona Lisa smile. He doesn't intend to judge Yin Yu. This isn't meant to be mean, on his part. But even so, he's a brilliant detective, isn't he? But instead of mysteries of murder, he questions the mysteries of others, of the world, of why things the way they are.]
Indeed. Wen Ning is very kind. [Of course he is.] And how? Well, based on what I've noticed, you run from people. You think that you don't deserve their attention, or their kindness, or even a look from them. In a way, you're working against yourself. Isolating yourself partially because you think you deserve it, and partially because you are afraid of retribution, only makes it even more noticeable
Haha. Did you really think running away from me all this time would make me suddenly believe you're invisible?
If that's what you think of me, you don't understand me at all.
[ because he isn't afraid of retribution. it's the opposite - it's the kindness that terrifies him. yin yu couldn't care less if someone wanted to hurt him. what would it matter? he is worthless, in essence. a ghost.
the final comment gets a huff of a noise out of him - a humorless laugh. ] You are more observant than most, then. You said on the island that you were expecting to go back to where you were and restart due to your experience, right? In my own experience, the moment I step out of someone's sightline, they have already forgotten who I was.
[ yin yu reaches up, finding the tie on his mask, to take it off. underneath, his face is as plain as always, the only distinguishing feature the mole under his eye. he doesn't look at anaido then, either, just at the sad, smiling face of the mask in his hands. ] Even on the island, I had no intentions of remaining in any of your memories. Had we ended up where we were supposed to, there is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was, within a day. It has nothing to do with deserving anything--not kindness, or retribution.
I am well aware of my own existence, and my own limitations, Anaido, and it is a simple fact. A presenceless person is who I am. It has enabled me to succeed in my work. That is all that matters.
Mmm, I can do my best to guess. But then again, you aren't human. My thinking can't go as far as the gods, after all.
[It's obviously meant to be tongue and cheek. Anaido's eyes become lidded, a little foxlike, as Yin Yu removes his mask. He stares at him for a long, long moment.]
["There is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was", huh...]
[He stands up, suddenly, and moves directly towards Yin Yu, quickly, and before the other man can move, Anaido just drops to a knee in front of him and clasps his hands over his cheeks. And just. Holds it there.]
[His dull yellow eyes, the flicker of the bonfire reflecting in them just stare at Yin Yu. He doesn't say anything.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[A shake of his his head, but his curiosity is piqued, to say the least.]
Tell me, please.
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he stares at the fire instead of anaido, and speaks somewhat distantly, as if reciting from a textbook. ] There are two types of gods, in my realm. Literature gods are masters of knowledge, and martial gods are masters of cultivational arts, fighting, so on and so forth. To ascend to godhood, a mortal must do something extraordinary, through practice, hard work, or through natural talent. Soldiers, generals, heroes, politicians - such people can cultivate to immortality and walk among the heavenly realm for eternity as heavenly officials.
Mortals pray to the gods for many things. Success, safety, healing, hope... the gods listen to prayers of mortals and attempt to answer them when they are able. [ if they want to. most gods are self-centered, in his experience. ] And the strength of a god is inherently dependent on those believers and those prayers.
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So you're a god, Yin Yu?
[Since he said his existence used to be based on other's beliefs - it's a logical conclusion. And if that's so...ah, how exciting. A brilliant detective, and a god. Like something out of a fairy tale.]
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I was.
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And how did you fall from grace?
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quietly: ] Talent always beats hard work.
[ his hand comes to his right wrist, long fingers over the covered skin. ] I am no extraordinary person.
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Hahaha, but you are, you are, if you became a god! Were you told you weren't good enough to be one?
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he doesn't react to it, though, just pushes it down, as he considers his answer. ]
...In some manner of speaking. I was overshadowed by someone who came after me. The followers I did have moved on.
It is as you said: if the people who believe in you cease doing so, you cease to exist.
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[Even the gods have their problems. His cheerful face sombers into something thoughtful.]
Is that what happened before you found your Master?
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there was more than that, but yin yu has long slammed the door on that story. he has no intentions of telling it. ]
...So, when you say that you cease to exist if someone stops dreaming of you, I understand. This place and the island have been exceptions, but essentially, I am no one.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
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[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
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[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
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how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Do you regret it?
hugs sisi. i love u
[He stares away. His eyes are just...empty, for a moment. So nice and golden, and yet empty all the same.]
Regret what? Dying on the island?
i love U i am so sorry kfldjshk
[ he thinks he already knows the answer. ]
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Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
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I suppose in the idea that there may have been some finality because of the situation and not to have it. But... I understand.
[ he doesn't quite flinch as wen ning's name comes up, though his hand tightens back onto his wrist, over the shackle. ]
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[He perches his chin in his hands, smiling, eyes flitting to the sudden grip on his wrist.]
I'll feel regret, of course. But I already have so many things that cage me, and control me. To sink into my own hell of my own accord because I feel I deserve to for my own actions is as selfish as selfish can be, even though I am already a very selfish man. But that's too much. You aren't actually asking for forgiveness, or anything, in cases like that. Misery is comfortable, and self-punishment is appealing, because in the end, you'll never punish yourself more than you think others will punish you.
[There is a...very pointed look, from him.]
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i mean. there is a pause, for a moment; he'll probably hear yin yu's breath catch. his hand tightens against the shackle, and yin yu stares at the fire. he's long since known that he was selfish. that he was cruel. ]
You're wrong about one thing. [ ... ] I never once asked anyone for forgiveness.
[ not with quan yizhen. not with wen ning. both times, forgiveness was simply handed to him, as if these people thought that he deserved it. as if he was anything but a cowardly, miserable, weak wretch of a not-person. just a pathetic banished god. no one. ] If young master Wen had wanted to kill me, I would have let him on the spot. He didn't, because he is a good, kind person. If -
[ he stops himself, silencing the self-depreciating rise of bitterness that weaves through him.
go die!
yin yu takes a deep breath. a heart as still as water. ] ...How do you think that I'm punishing myself, Anaido?
no subject
[His expression is passive, a light smile on his face, a Mona Lisa smile. He doesn't intend to judge Yin Yu. This isn't meant to be mean, on his part. But even so, he's a brilliant detective, isn't he? But instead of mysteries of murder, he questions the mysteries of others, of the world, of why things the way they are.]
Indeed. Wen Ning is very kind. [Of course he is.] And how? Well, based on what I've noticed, you run from people. You think that you don't deserve their attention, or their kindness, or even a look from them. In a way, you're working against yourself. Isolating yourself partially because you think you deserve it, and partially because you are afraid of retribution, only makes it even more noticeable
Haha. Did you really think running away from me all this time would make me suddenly believe you're invisible?
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[ because he isn't afraid of retribution. it's the opposite - it's the kindness that terrifies him. yin yu couldn't care less if someone wanted to hurt him. what would it matter? he is worthless, in essence. a ghost.
the final comment gets a huff of a noise out of him - a humorless laugh. ] You are more observant than most, then. You said on the island that you were expecting to go back to where you were and restart due to your experience, right? In my own experience, the moment I step out of someone's sightline, they have already forgotten who I was.
[ yin yu reaches up, finding the tie on his mask, to take it off. underneath, his face is as plain as always, the only distinguishing feature the mole under his eye. he doesn't look at anaido then, either, just at the sad, smiling face of the mask in his hands. ] Even on the island, I had no intentions of remaining in any of your memories. Had we ended up where we were supposed to, there is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was, within a day. It has nothing to do with deserving anything--not kindness, or retribution.
I am well aware of my own existence, and my own limitations, Anaido, and it is a simple fact. A presenceless person is who I am. It has enabled me to succeed in my work. That is all that matters.
no subject
[It's obviously meant to be tongue and cheek. Anaido's eyes become lidded, a little foxlike, as Yin Yu removes his mask. He stares at him for a long, long moment.]
["There is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was", huh...]
[He stands up, suddenly, and moves directly towards Yin Yu, quickly, and before the other man can move, Anaido just drops to a knee in front of him and clasps his hands over his cheeks. And just. Holds it there.]
[His dull yellow eyes, the flicker of the bonfire reflecting in them just stare at Yin Yu. He doesn't say anything.]
[He just stares.]
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