[There's a long, long silence, before Anaido perks up, and recites:]
I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
Of course it's strange. I'm not one for existing for long periods of time. My so-called dreams are always quite short.
[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
Yes. I was trying my best to. But Dimitri saved me from drowning. Minako saved me from the cliff. I lost my knife. There were eyes on me almost all of the time. There really was no good way to die. But Zoe was nice enough to take things into her own hands.
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
I think my life is unique enough not to let regret be a thing that ties me down.
[He perches his chin in his hands, smiling, eyes flitting to the sudden grip on his wrist.]
I'll feel regret, of course. But I already have so many things that cage me, and control me. To sink into my own hell of my own accord because I feel I deserve to for my own actions is as selfish as selfish can be, even though I am already a very selfish man. But that's too much. You aren't actually asking for forgiveness, or anything, in cases like that. Misery is comfortable, and self-punishment is appealing, because in the end, you'll never punish yourself more than you think others will punish you.
i mean. there is a pause, for a moment; he'll probably hear yin yu's breath catch. his hand tightens against the shackle, and yin yu stares at the fire. he's long since known that he was selfish. that he was cruel. ]
You're wrong about one thing. [ ... ] I never once asked anyone for forgiveness.
[ not with quan yizhen. not with wen ning. both times, forgiveness was simply handed to him, as if these people thought that he deserved it. as if he was anything but a cowardly, miserable, weak wretch of a not-person. just a pathetic banished god. no one. ] If young master Wen had wanted to kill me, I would have let him on the spot. He didn't, because he is a good, kind person. If -
[ he stops himself, silencing the self-depreciating rise of bitterness that weaves through him.
go die!
yin yu takes a deep breath. a heart as still as water. ] ...How do you think that I'm punishing myself, Anaido?
[His expression is passive, a light smile on his face, a Mona Lisa smile. He doesn't intend to judge Yin Yu. This isn't meant to be mean, on his part. But even so, he's a brilliant detective, isn't he? But instead of mysteries of murder, he questions the mysteries of others, of the world, of why things the way they are.]
Indeed. Wen Ning is very kind. [Of course he is.] And how? Well, based on what I've noticed, you run from people. You think that you don't deserve their attention, or their kindness, or even a look from them. In a way, you're working against yourself. Isolating yourself partially because you think you deserve it, and partially because you are afraid of retribution, only makes it even more noticeable
Haha. Did you really think running away from me all this time would make me suddenly believe you're invisible?
If that's what you think of me, you don't understand me at all.
[ because he isn't afraid of retribution. it's the opposite - it's the kindness that terrifies him. yin yu couldn't care less if someone wanted to hurt him. what would it matter? he is worthless, in essence. a ghost.
the final comment gets a huff of a noise out of him - a humorless laugh. ] You are more observant than most, then. You said on the island that you were expecting to go back to where you were and restart due to your experience, right? In my own experience, the moment I step out of someone's sightline, they have already forgotten who I was.
[ yin yu reaches up, finding the tie on his mask, to take it off. underneath, his face is as plain as always, the only distinguishing feature the mole under his eye. he doesn't look at anaido then, either, just at the sad, smiling face of the mask in his hands. ] Even on the island, I had no intentions of remaining in any of your memories. Had we ended up where we were supposed to, there is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was, within a day. It has nothing to do with deserving anything--not kindness, or retribution.
I am well aware of my own existence, and my own limitations, Anaido, and it is a simple fact. A presenceless person is who I am. It has enabled me to succeed in my work. That is all that matters.
Mmm, I can do my best to guess. But then again, you aren't human. My thinking can't go as far as the gods, after all.
[It's obviously meant to be tongue and cheek. Anaido's eyes become lidded, a little foxlike, as Yin Yu removes his mask. He stares at him for a long, long moment.]
["There is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was", huh...]
[He stands up, suddenly, and moves directly towards Yin Yu, quickly, and before the other man can move, Anaido just drops to a knee in front of him and clasps his hands over his cheeks. And just. Holds it there.]
[His dull yellow eyes, the flicker of the bonfire reflecting in them just stare at Yin Yu. He doesn't say anything.]
[ you know how when you grab onto a cat and pick them up and the cat just sort of freezes? as if it doesn't move maybe you will forget you are holding it and release it to sweet safety?
that is exactly whats happening with yin yu right now. ]
..........master Anaido? [ LET GO OF HIS FACE?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ]
You really are the type that doesn't know what to do with attention, huh?
[A bubbling laugh, and he draws his hands away, but he just moves to sit cross-legged in front of the other man, putting his own cheeks in his hands as he looks up at Yin Yu.]
...But you know, I know exactly how you feel. I don't know how to deal with attention, either, and I kind of think that people shouldn't remember me either. [A light shake of the head. It seems surprising, doesn't it, coming from someone outgoing like him.] My face is not the best to look at, though, so there's a reason for people not wanting to remember it. I look quite scary.
[ once he pulls away, yin yu is reaching up to pull his mask back onto his face pretty much immediately. probably not all that surprising, but it makes him feel slightly more comfortable - and also will hopefully keep him from touching his face again.
that doesn't mean he's not listening, though. as he's retying the bow he glances down at him from behind the mask, quietly assessing anaido in front of him. ]
Forgive me for saying otherwise, master Anaido, but I spend all of my time with monsters and ghosts. Your face is not particularly scary.
[The mask goes back on. How nice. He wishes he could take off his mask anytime he wanted.]
[Too bad there's always another mask behind it.]
It isn't, is it? I'm just a handsome young man! [A laugh, and a shake of his head.] What if I told you that this isn't what I really look like, though?
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I'm Nobody! Who are you? Are you...Nobody too? [He grins, but his eyes are dark, the circles under them giving him a weary, exhausted appearance.] Then there's a pair of us! Haha! Don't tell! They'd advertise, you know!
[A cheerful little chuckle comes at the end of that poem, like a little personalized signature.]
Haha! I'm no god, and never will be...but it seems we're one of a kind, aren't we?
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[ the verse isn't that odd. he doesn't recognize it, of course, but, poetry is an important art for any cultivator anyway, and they all tend to be wildly verbose for no reason.
he's not so sure that they're that similar. the guilt from what happened to wen ning still lingers, wraps tight around his stomach and squeezes, but... this might be the first time he feels something a little closer to anaido that isn't just guilt, or sorrow. maybe it's something. ]
It's strange to be out of that situation. [ ... ] Isn't it? Here.
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[And they always end up in him dying, but well, what's a death in a dream?]
[He smiles - honestly, why is he telling Yin Yu all of this? It's far more than he's said to anyone. Wen Ning knows the truth, of course, but Yin Yu? Perhaps its that familiarity, that feeling of occupying some strange existence that's neither here or there. He's just glad to have someone understand, and he wants to connect with Yin Yu, no matter what he's done.]
...Honestly, that's why I died so quickly on the island. I just wanted to get back to where I'm supposed to be. But I guess, for now, I'm stuck like this.
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how curious. yin yu pauses as he brings up the island, feels the rise of guilt and squashes it, lets his curiosity take over instead. ] You... did you know you were going to die, then?
[ if his life was a series of dreams of some kind, then... that would make sense, wouldn't it? if you die in a dream, you just wake in your bed, gasping and shaking. is it a reset? a way to start over? ]
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
[His dull yellow eyes flit to the bonfire, but the light doesn't reflect, completely, in his eyes.]
But either way, there was no guarantee I would wake up in my own body. A death could've been just that. My body would have no mind to return back to it. But...I guess I was fine with that, if that happened.
I NEVER? TAGGED THIS BACK? CRYSTAL I'M ASHAMED OF ME
yin yu stays quiet for a long moment after that, his fingers lacing together, staring at the fire. ]
...But you woke up, in whatever sort of place you all waited after your death. [ so he couldn't die even then. he woke up, and...found wen ning, there. there's that. yin yu feels a little more like he understands anaido, after all of this. it's... not a bad feeling. ]
I.... [ mm.
chengzhu's voice rings in his head. deep, calm. almost lazy, as he changed yin yu's life.
do you want to live? ] ...I never tried to. I just hoped it would come, and it didn't.
Do you regret it?
hugs sisi. i love u
[He stares away. His eyes are just...empty, for a moment. So nice and golden, and yet empty all the same.]
Regret what? Dying on the island?
i love U i am so sorry kfldjshk
[ he thinks he already knows the answer. ]
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Mm. Yin Yu, I died over seventy times in three days, once. [He shakes his head.] I think if I had the chance to do it again, I would still go for it. It isn't about regret, really. It feels like something I need to do, to escape.
...But honestly, if I hadn't died on the island, I would have never gotten to know Wen Ning like I did. So....no. I don't regret it.
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I suppose in the idea that there may have been some finality because of the situation and not to have it. But... I understand.
[ he doesn't quite flinch as wen ning's name comes up, though his hand tightens back onto his wrist, over the shackle. ]
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[He perches his chin in his hands, smiling, eyes flitting to the sudden grip on his wrist.]
I'll feel regret, of course. But I already have so many things that cage me, and control me. To sink into my own hell of my own accord because I feel I deserve to for my own actions is as selfish as selfish can be, even though I am already a very selfish man. But that's too much. You aren't actually asking for forgiveness, or anything, in cases like that. Misery is comfortable, and self-punishment is appealing, because in the end, you'll never punish yourself more than you think others will punish you.
[There is a...very pointed look, from him.]
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i mean. there is a pause, for a moment; he'll probably hear yin yu's breath catch. his hand tightens against the shackle, and yin yu stares at the fire. he's long since known that he was selfish. that he was cruel. ]
You're wrong about one thing. [ ... ] I never once asked anyone for forgiveness.
[ not with quan yizhen. not with wen ning. both times, forgiveness was simply handed to him, as if these people thought that he deserved it. as if he was anything but a cowardly, miserable, weak wretch of a not-person. just a pathetic banished god. no one. ] If young master Wen had wanted to kill me, I would have let him on the spot. He didn't, because he is a good, kind person. If -
[ he stops himself, silencing the self-depreciating rise of bitterness that weaves through him.
go die!
yin yu takes a deep breath. a heart as still as water. ] ...How do you think that I'm punishing myself, Anaido?
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[His expression is passive, a light smile on his face, a Mona Lisa smile. He doesn't intend to judge Yin Yu. This isn't meant to be mean, on his part. But even so, he's a brilliant detective, isn't he? But instead of mysteries of murder, he questions the mysteries of others, of the world, of why things the way they are.]
Indeed. Wen Ning is very kind. [Of course he is.] And how? Well, based on what I've noticed, you run from people. You think that you don't deserve their attention, or their kindness, or even a look from them. In a way, you're working against yourself. Isolating yourself partially because you think you deserve it, and partially because you are afraid of retribution, only makes it even more noticeable
Haha. Did you really think running away from me all this time would make me suddenly believe you're invisible?
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[ because he isn't afraid of retribution. it's the opposite - it's the kindness that terrifies him. yin yu couldn't care less if someone wanted to hurt him. what would it matter? he is worthless, in essence. a ghost.
the final comment gets a huff of a noise out of him - a humorless laugh. ] You are more observant than most, then. You said on the island that you were expecting to go back to where you were and restart due to your experience, right? In my own experience, the moment I step out of someone's sightline, they have already forgotten who I was.
[ yin yu reaches up, finding the tie on his mask, to take it off. underneath, his face is as plain as always, the only distinguishing feature the mole under his eye. he doesn't look at anaido then, either, just at the sad, smiling face of the mask in his hands. ] Even on the island, I had no intentions of remaining in any of your memories. Had we ended up where we were supposed to, there is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was, within a day. It has nothing to do with deserving anything--not kindness, or retribution.
I am well aware of my own existence, and my own limitations, Anaido, and it is a simple fact. A presenceless person is who I am. It has enabled me to succeed in my work. That is all that matters.
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[It's obviously meant to be tongue and cheek. Anaido's eyes become lidded, a little foxlike, as Yin Yu removes his mask. He stares at him for a long, long moment.]
["There is not a single person on that island who would have remembered who I was", huh...]
[He stands up, suddenly, and moves directly towards Yin Yu, quickly, and before the other man can move, Anaido just drops to a knee in front of him and clasps his hands over his cheeks. And just. Holds it there.]
[His dull yellow eyes, the flicker of the bonfire reflecting in them just stare at Yin Yu. He doesn't say anything.]
[He just stares.]
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that is exactly whats happening with yin yu right now. ]
..........master Anaido? [ LET GO OF HIS FACE?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ]
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[He winks. He isn't letting go.]
I'm committing your face to memory. You aren't going to be forgotten anytime soon, Yin Yu.
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[ anaido his bubble ]
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[ anaido you're making it worse. he looks somewhere between blankly accepting and wanting to die. kind of both at the same time. ]
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[A bubbling laugh, and he draws his hands away, but he just moves to sit cross-legged in front of the other man, putting his own cheeks in his hands as he looks up at Yin Yu.]
...But you know, I know exactly how you feel. I don't know how to deal with attention, either, and I kind of think that people shouldn't remember me either. [A light shake of the head. It seems surprising, doesn't it, coming from someone outgoing like him.] My face is not the best to look at, though, so there's a reason for people not wanting to remember it. I look quite scary.
[He says with his...absolutely normal face. Huh.]
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that doesn't mean he's not listening, though. as he's retying the bow he glances down at him from behind the mask, quietly assessing anaido in front of him. ]
Forgive me for saying otherwise, master Anaido, but I spend all of my time with monsters and ghosts. Your face is not particularly scary.
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[Too bad there's always another mask behind it.]
It isn't, is it? I'm just a handsome young man! [A laugh, and a shake of his head.] What if I told you that this isn't what I really look like, though?
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[ it's not magic. those sort of things would surely be eliminated by whatever blocker is on camp. so... that seems like the logical conclusion.
me tagging this thread as fast as i can so i can get LORE ]
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[Hm, hm, hm.]
Yin Yu, do you ever become someone else in your dreams? Or are you always you?
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